“MASTODON regret to inform their fans that their upcoming Summer tour of Europe originally set to begin June 5, in Germany and ending July 3, in Finland has been cancelled. Guitarist Bill Kelliher who has been diagnosed with Pancreatitis has been advised by doctors to continue further medical treatment. Bill’s medical team are optimistic and expect a full recovery in the weeks ahead as the band looks forward to being part of BlackDiamondSkye also featuring Alice In Chains, Deftones, slated to begin Sep. 16, in Chicago.”—
How close did I come to a fourth Mastodon concert cancellation? Very close. So close, in fact, that the show I saw on Monday will be their last show for the next 3 months.
I give them a hell of a lot of credit for toughing it out and honoring their fans here in Rochester (hometown of band members Bill and Brann) by rescheduling a show at the end of an already-long tour and then not cancelling it again, despite having a completely fair, honest, and serious excuse to do so.
Get well, Bill. The power of the handlebar+mullet will get you through this.
Once the engineer finally got the sound evenly mixed, everything came together and Mastodon proceeded to put on a clinic in which they demonstrated why they are the greatest metal band in the business today. I’m anything but a metal-head, and I think that means I’m perfectly suited to make such declarations. No other metal band can hold my attention quite like they do.
Excluding “classic rock” bands and former bands, there are a dwindling few remaining that I still haven’t seen. The top of that list is Radiohead, followed by Queens of the Stone Age, Pixies, The Rentals, and The Cardigans.
My views on power-pop-wunderkinds-turned-whatever-they-are-now Weezer are fairlywelldocumented, but sometimes I feel maybe I’m being unfairly harsh on them. ‘Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned’ and all that. So in order to get a different perspective, I invited Rivers Cuomo to share his side of things. Without further ado, I present to you special guest-blogger Rivers Cuomo:
Hey y’all, what it do? Rivers Cuomo here, up in your shit, too legit to quit. I can’t stay long, I got a narwhal-polo game with the Jonas Brothers. Nice kids, did you know they were named after one of my songs?
So I know some of you aren’t happy with the new stuff. You’re all “Pinkerton” this, and “sulky masterpiece of post-modern angst” that, and “what the hell does raditude even mean you hackety-hack-hack” the other. Look, I know the new stuff isn’t the most brilliant stuff we’ve ever done ok? I’m not stupid. I went to Harvard.
Here’s the deal though, Pinkerton? Didn’t make a dime. I poured my heart into that damn thing, and I got outsold by the Verve Pipe. THE VERVE PIPE. This Beverley Hills shit? Through. The. Roof. I am so goddamned rich right now. I can’t even tell you. I made a song with Jermaine Dupri. That dude is so rich he needs a seperate ho just to do all his coke for him, and then he gets it through blood transfusion. BLOOD TRANSFUSION. You don’t even understand. I’m so rich I can’t eat most food anymore, because I can taste how cheap it is. Tastes like cat-dick. Only thing I can eat now is caviar from a fish only found in Siberia. The only way to get it here is to pack it into an intercontinental ballistic missile and shoot it over. NORAD loses its shit whenever I have lunch. I nearly set off World War III every time I want a fucking snack, that’s how rich I am. WORLD WAR III.
You want to know what ‘raditude’ means? It means being so rich you can afford to rent Adolph Hitler’s mummified corpse for the day, just to pee on. Now that guy, he was a douchebag. I’m just a guy who wrote a song called “(If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To”. And you know what? After that song came out, Megan Fox sent me a plaster casting of her butthole, dipped in gold. DIPPED IN GOLD! Can you even comprehend how much that’s worth? I had to register it as an adopted child for tax purposes. TAX PURPOSES!!
So I hope that cleared a few things up. I gotta jet. Literally, my F-16 just arrived. Later fuckbutts, Cuomo out.
Rivers Cuomo is lead singer and principle song-writer of Weezer. He is exceedingly wealthy.