Seven 9s and 10s

Truthful Tuesday: Planning For Small Talk

I hate small talk. I truly and deeply hate it.

Just because you’re a stranger who is standing next to me at a concert or sitting next to me at a wedding or waiting behind me in line at Chipotle doesn’t mean you have to talk to me. Why can’t you be content by just being quiet?

My problem is that I feel like an absolute jerk when I ignore people or don’t engage in their attempts at conversation. So, I’ve started to assemble a list of ridiculous lies that I can drop when strangers try to strike up a conversation.

  • You know the roller coaster animation that plays before movies at Regal Cinemas? Yeah, the one with the theater rules and the concessions and the planets. I made that.
  • I operate a skydiving business that specializes in letting people jump with their pets. They can either jump with Fifi strapped to their chest, or for an extra fee they can give Fifi a little custom parachute that is deployed via a remote control trigger*.
  • *This option requires signing an extra waiver.
  • My grandfather was one of the men involved with stringing up Mussolini for public display following his execution.
  • I volunteer at the local planetarium where I spend time cleaning each of the 8,900+ tiny holes inside Carl (the star projector) using lens cleaner and specially designed ionic Q-tips. When I started they were using OxyClean®, but I convinced them to stop that because, duh, there’s no oxygen in space.
  • I’ve traveled to 17 countries in Africa but I’ve never been to Canada.
  • My mom designed the patterns of some of the most popular fabrics used for covering the seats of chartered busses.
  • Grasshoppers have been known to travel thousands of miles across water.
  • During the winter of 1999 I was employed by a local municipality to walk around all day knocking icicles off of the street lights using a large telescoping wand. They required me to wear a helmet so I had one designed that was an exact replica of the one worn by Iceman in Top Gun.

I think that’s a good start.

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Notes

  1. treets said: Aw, don’t feel like a jerk. Ignoring people is fun!
  2. whltexbread said: Small talk is hard for people who aren’t worth talking to anyway, but most people are really interesting and have more in common with you than you think. Listen for that thing that piques your interest, and be confident that you’re interesting too.
  3. jtloper1 reblogged this from steelopus
  4. globochem said: 1. I hate small talk more than I hate… most of the other things that I hate; 2. Not sure if fave story is cleaning Carl or the bus patterns :D
  5. fuiru said: Wait, that was a LIE? That’s the last time I start talking to you in the urinals, mate.
  6. saidme said: I will be small talking you one day. Make sure you keep this list in your pocket at all times.
  7. steelopus posted this