I enjoyed the Seven Things meme so much, I’ve decided to continue sharing my oddities with all of you.

I hate feet.  Even the word itself makes me uncomfortable.  I hate your feet and I hate my feet.  I hate feet in magazines; I hate feet in movies and on TV; I hate cartoon feet.  Mostly I hate bare feet, and it takes one heck of a pair of socks for me to not be completely turned off and distracted.

I’m tolerant of just about any kind of fetish you may have, but foot fetishists freak me out like few other things in this world.  I’m a “leg man*” but I hate feet.  That makes things a bit difficult in certain situations.

Most days I am barefoot for no more than 10 minutes - from the moment I get in the shower to the moment I get dressed.  The other 1,430 minutes are spent wearing socks, sometimes multiple pair.  The only exception to this would be on the rare excruciatingly hot and humid summer night, on which I may sleep barefoot, but this is not often and is a last resort.

If I’m eating at a restaurant in the summer and I see someone nearby wearing sandals or flip-flops, I gag a little bit.  All I can think about is how their nasty toes are out free, mingling in the same air that I am breathing.  Pools, water parks, and the beach: all places that skeeve me out to some extent.  I’m that guy who’s wearing shoes at the beach (Chucks are good beach shoes).

I’d have to REALLY unconditionally love you in order to give you a foot massage, even if you were wearing a sock.  I don’t want to touch your feet.  I’m somewhat OK with touching feet to feet, playing footsie, etc., but you stand on those things all day, often with them stuffed inside poorly ventilated shoes, and you want me to touch them.  With my hands?! You’re insane.  I wouldn’t ask you to massage a llamas taint**, so please don’t ask me to massage your feet.

Please, keep your feet to yourself.

*A nice rack can be faked, but great gams take effort.

**This is, perhaps, the first time in history anyone has ever used the phrase “I wouldn’t ask you to massage a llamas taint.”