Me:
WHY DO BIRDS SUDDENLY APPEAR?

Nicky:
CRAZY BITCHES BE HAVIN' BIRD SEED.

steelopus:
When do you start in Batavia?

shotcopter:
The 20th. But i'm actually going to buffalo for the morning on wed to get the paperwork all set.

steelopus:
K

shotcopter:
Why, you getting me strippers!

steelopus:
no.

shotcopter:
:(

shotcopter:
Btw if you tumbl or tweet that i will masturbate to the picture of your mom holding the kitten.

steelopus:
Whatever. I know you already did that last night.

shotcopter:
But I'll do it again. And i think when i do that it kills 2 kittens and a baby angel.

Coworker 1:
If he flushed all of those toilets at the same time he'd probably burst a water main.

Coworker 2:
"Oops!"

Me:
You mean, "Poops!"

Office:
*silence*

Brian:
I put MIDI guitar in a song. Hahahahaha I'm going to hell!

Steve:
Dude. If you don't go to hell for that, I'll kill you in heaven.

she:
there's a folder on my desktop labeled "wombats" and there arent even photos of wombats in it

me:
is that the folder where you keep your porn?

she:
more or less

me:
I KNEW IT

she:
haha and by that i mean no

me:
oh, so you keep your porn somewhere ELSE

she:
haha no, i dont have any porn. just your video of giro's croc voice

me:
THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

she:
hahah you win the internet

me:
VICTORY IS MINE!

Dad:
When I was young and my dad had the sheeps...

Mom:
Riiight, you had "the sheeps" in Sicily...

Dad:
No, not "baaa baaa baaa" sheeps.

Dad:
...

Dad:
...When I was young, and my dad had the BOATS...

Her:
i have to go look at a house at 10

Her:
i'm not sure if it has a bathroom

Her:
classy.

Me:
...

Her:
that was unrelated to our just having talked about bathrooms

Me:
where will you poop?

Her:
the yard.

Me:
why not use a litter box?

Her:
i should, huh

Me:
yeah