Seven 9s and 10s

Monty Python - Argument Clinic

The audio version of this sketch shuffled up while I was listening to music last night. It’s probably been 10 years since I last heard or saw it. It’s so freaking good.

Laughing is the best thing ever. Well… second best. Third? OK, well, top-5, anyway.

Greg Giraldo Will Be Missed

I first came to know Greg Giraldo from his frequent appearances on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. He was consistently the funniest and most likable regular on the show.

I was always surprised that he never gained a more mainstream popularity. One of the greatest mysteries in the world is how a no-talent ass-clown like Dane Cook could become America’s comedic sweetheart while a hard working family man like Greg struggled to find a lasting audience and was relegated to the comedic-roast circuit.

I was so happy to see him as a judge on the last season of Last Comic Standing, and once again he proved to be the funniest and most likable person on the show.  He was constantly positive and went out of his way to make sure he complimented even the worst comedians - never belittling any of them.  A true class-act.

I’ll definitely be missing him and his comedy. We lost another great one today.

This Is Spinal Tap - “Stonehenge”

This is one of the most famous scenes in the entire movie, but for all the wrong reasons.  The performance gets all the attention, what with the theatrics and the tiny Stonehenge and the dwarfs dancing around, but it’s the dressing-room fight that follows that is the real gem.  The actors are firing on all cylinders here and the wit is non-stop and sharp as a tack.

Harry Shearer speaks all of three lines during the 4 minutes of the fight, but he absolutely steals the scene with his delivery.  Three perfect little one-liner gems.  He plays the character perfectly - constantly thinking about how to improve the situation and stay focused on the music itself rather than get caught up in the drama that has just occurred.

Ian: “I really think you’re just making a much to big a thing out of it.”
Derek [off camera - with impeccable timing]: “Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.”

Derek: “Maybe we just fix the choreography - keep the dwarf clear…”
David: “What do you mean?”
Derek: “…so he won’t trod upon it.”

[IAN HAS STORMED OUT OF THE ROOM - LEAVING A LONG AND UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE]
Derek: “Can I raise a practical question at this point? … Are we gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow?”

It’s only when you stop and consider just how much of the dialog in the movie was improvised that you can really begin to grasp just how comedically brilliant the entire cast was.

“Can you imagine 3 nose studs and a heavy cold? Whoa! Forget about it! You might sneeze and kill your friend!
“Ahchoo!”
“OOOAAAAHHHHHH! FUCKIN JOEY! MY EYE! MYYY EEEEYYYEEE!”
Now your friend has a pierced eye!
…To go along with your pierced nose.”

George Carlin

I am nowhere near the end.

aedison:

Jesus: Hey, guys? Does anyone know how to calculate a 20% tip?
Judas (muttering): Of *course* he can’t do math.
Peter: Yeah, gimme the bill, I can work it out.
Jesus: Great. Oh, and one last thing: Truly, truly, one of you will betray me.
Peter: Carry the 1… Guys how many cubits are there in a dozen?
Judas: Wait, wait — hold the phone. Jesus, you know that one of us is going to betray you?
Jesus: Um… yep.
Judas: And do you know *who* it is?
Jesus: Oh, bigtime.
Peter: I think I’m doing this wrong. Should we be tipping a Benjamin on an eighty dollar bill?
Judas: And you’re not going to do anything to stop him? Or her.
Jesus: I guess it’s kind of the plan or something. I wasn’t really paying attention. Real Housewives was on.
Judas: So this person who’s gonna betray you, they’re kind of doing God’s work, right?
Jesus: I don’t know. Apparently one of those New Jersey wives is a *mobster*.
Judas: Yeah, no shit. Seriously — there won’t be any punishment for the betrayal, right? Maybe just a slap on the wrist, or something?
Jesus: Oh, no, I think I heard something about an eternity in hell.
Judas: Shit.
Matthew: Hey, Judas — are those new shoes?
Judas: Shit shit shit shit shit.

Sweet lord. It just keeps getting better and better.

Check out the whole series here: http://averyedison.com/tagged/jesusandjudas/chrono

No, seriously. Go check it out if you haven’t.

Download 92 plays

George Carlin - Sports (From Playing With Your Head)

My favorite 9 minutes of comedy.  It’s a relentless barrage of hilarity.  This man was so good, and his delivery was always absolutely perfect.

There are so many amazing one-liners that I constantly use:

“You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing.  That’s it, one swing, fuck you, you’re out. Sit down.”

“Hockey is not a sport - hockey is three activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody.”

“What is a puck? I’ve never even heard of a puck outside of hockey. Have you ever heard of a puck? The only other place you find a puck is in the urinal to control the smell in the bathroom.”

“Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning!”

“Riding a bus isn’t a sport… whyyy the fuck should SAILING be a sport?”

“Lacrosse? Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a faggot college activity. That’s right: anytime you’re standing in a field with a stick with a net on the end of it, you’re engaged in a faggot college activity.”

“Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it.”

“I don’t know about you, but that’s what I’m looking for in auto racing: a nice crash and a car fire.  I don’t care who wins these races - it’s the same five rednecks who win all the time anyway - who gives a shit about these people? I gotta be honest with you, driving 500 miles in a circle does not impress me.”

“In fact all raquet games are derrivatives of ping pong - even volleyball is raquetless-team-ping-pong-played-with-an-inflated-ball-and-a-raised-net-while-standing-on-the-table.”

“Did you ever watch golf on TV? It’s like watching flies fuck.”