It’s amazing to me that another week has passed, because there are multiple times each day when I become so entwined in my own thoughts that minutes feel like hours and I beg the earth to rotate more quickly.
Edited to add: After thinking about it for a few hours, I guess the above statement might come across as a bit melodramatic, but when I’m actually experiencing those moments it doesn’t seem that way at all.
I just deleted a bunch of bullet points about how I’m still feeling undeniably sad after only five days. Fuck that. There’s no need to spell it out in fine detail. I’m not well and I’m trying to manage my emotions as best I can.
The end of any relationship brings waves of memories from all over the emotional spectrum. I’m going to try my hardest to let the negative ones leave as quickly as they arrive and let the positive ones linger long enough to sustain my self-confidence.
I did all the right things. I stepped far outside my comfort zone. I took a chance and dove in head first. The water was the perfect temperature but I had no way of knowing what rested beneath the surface nor the number of lions that drank from its shore.
Almost every time I have a truly great day/night/weekend, I fall into a pretty substantial depression in the following days. It’s bad enough to make me consider avoiding enjoyable experiences altogether - the logic being that without the high there may not come the low.
Friday night was no exception; it was one of the best nights of my life and it saw me achieve one of my biggest goals since moving into this house. Now that it’s over, I’m struggling to find anything that is worth looking forward to.
I used to have a coworker that I really liked a lot but now she is dead to me because she sent me to the craigslist posting for this beagle/pointer mix named Patch.
I want a dog. I really really really want a dog. And Patch looks pretty much ideal. But, I just can’t have a dog in my life right now because I know I don’t have the time to commit to a pet, especially a very young, not-neutered, beagle-mix. Maybe if I was living with someone that could share the responsibility, then I’d be able to give it more serious consideration, but that’s not the situation. I hope whomever adopts Patch gives him the best life any dog could ever hope for.
And so, I used to have a coworker that I really liked a lot, but now she’s dead to me.
GPOYW
I’ve been spending a lot of time feeling ways about things lately. Mostly sad ways about things. It feels like many things in my life are failing. But I just walked outside and the sky was on fire with a beautiful sunset and I turned and looked at my house and thought about just how much work I’ve done to the place over the past 11 months and I guess, overall, I’ve got plenty to feel happy about. It’s just that all the things that are sad-making are very important to me.
The problem is that 65% happy is still 35% sad. I want to be 100% happy. I need to figure out how to get there.
Oops. I accidentally (or subconsciously intentionally) left it on “repeat one.” So, instead of hearing it ten times in the playlist, I heard it non-stop, all night. I suppose there are worse ways to sleep.