I had my eighth therapy session yesterday. I left without scheduling another. I’m not sure it has helped me much. One of my primary goals certainly didn’t see any progress, though I really don’t blame myself, because I’ve lived most of 2012 in an environment in which that goal was put to the test on an almost a daily basis.

Maybe this therapist just isn’t the right fit for me. Maybe I’m too stubborn to make the changes that are necessary for progress and growth. Maybe change is happening and I just can’t see it yet. All I know for sure is that there are still several times each day when I think about the choices I’ve made in the past few months and I question almost all of them.

What do I want? What do I need? Are they the same thing? Can they be?

• Yesterday started alright but by the end of the workday my brain had pretty much drained its cache of optimism and positivity.
• I need something to look forward to between now and May 31st.
• This afternoon I’ll have my fourth therapy session. I suppose it’s going pretty well, though I don’t know how one is supposed to judge such a thing. I leave each session with a clearer mind and a mental list of items that I want to address with people, but I’m finding it difficult to actually cross any items off that list.
• I am searching for more things to write here, yet coming up empty. So, I guess this is all for now.

It’s amazing to me that another week has passed, because there are multiple times each day when I become so entwined in my own thoughts that minutes feel like hours and I beg the earth to rotate more quickly.
 

Edited to add: After thinking about it for a few hours, I guess the above statement might come across as a bit melodramatic, but when I’m actually experiencing those moments it doesn’t seem that way at all.

I just deleted a bunch of bullet points about how I’m still feeling undeniably sad after only five days. Fuck that. There’s no need to spell it out in fine detail. I’m not well and I’m trying to manage my emotions as best I can.

The end of any relationship brings waves of memories from all over the emotional spectrum. I’m going to try my hardest to let the negative ones leave as quickly as they arrive and let the positive ones linger long enough to sustain my self-confidence.

I did all the right things. I stepped far outside my comfort zone. I took a chance and dove in head first. The water was the perfect temperature but I had no way of knowing what rested beneath the surface nor the number of lions that drank from its shore.

• I really do not like feeling this unstable.
• I’m starting to think that I’m not very good at reading people.
• If I keep gnawing away at my thumbs at my current pace, they’ll be gone within a few days.
• 3 months removed from my tonsillectomy and I still haven’t regained any of the 20 pounds that I lost - not for a lack of trying.
• I’m spending a lot of time trying to figure out what my value is - to specific people and to the universe in general.
• I need more laughter in my life if only for the fact that it’s a good distraction, regardless of how temporary it may be.
• My calendar suggests I have a lot to look forward to in the next 3 months, but I’m having a difficult time convincing my brain to look past the next 30 seconds.
• I would say “I need a vacation!” but I’m definitely not in the mental state where I’d actually be capable of relaxing and enjoying it.

• I am really struggling lately, emotionally.
• A lot of the people I care about are also having a difficult time.
• Not being able to make them feel better only adds to my sadness.
• Sometimes I just need a shoulder to cry on and a chance to clear my mind to a sympathetic ear.
• I don’t enjoy burdening my friends with my own inability to cope with the voices in my head, and so…
• For the first time in my life I am seriously considering seeing a therapist.
• Maybe it will be good. Maybe it will be bad. We’ll see.

Almost every time I have a truly great day/night/weekend, I fall into a pretty substantial depression in the following days. It’s bad enough to make me consider avoiding enjoyable experiences altogether - the logic being that without the high there may not come the low.

Friday night was no exception; it was one of the best nights of my life and it saw me achieve one of my biggest goals since moving into this house. Now that it’s over, I’m struggling to find anything that is worth looking forward to.