Dude. Life…man; this shit ain’t easy.
Song #3: Complete.
Three down. Two to go.
I had my eighth therapy session yesterday. I left without scheduling another. I’m not sure it has helped me much. One of my primary goals certainly didn’t see any progress, though I really don’t blame myself, because I’ve lived most of 2012 in an environment in which that goal was put to the test on an almost a daily basis.
Maybe this therapist just isn’t the right fit for me. Maybe I’m too stubborn to make the changes that are necessary for progress and growth. Maybe change is happening and I just can’t see it yet. All I know for sure is that there are still several times each day when I think about the choices I’ve made in the past few months and I question almost all of them.
What do I want? What do I need? Are they the same thing? Can they be?
- My sister visited a psychic last week and the first thing she was told was that her younger brother (me) was a “wild man” and that the girls were all crazy for him to the point that he was having to fight them off and well I guess that makes it pretty clear that my sister just paid a crazy lady to tell her a load of absolute bullshit.
- Currently: mornings are painful; days fluctuate; evenings are lonely.
- It took about eleven weeks, but I’ve successfully written lyrics to another song. (That’s better than eleven years.)
- My goal is to write three more songs before the end of the year, record them in the winter, and release them in 2013. I’m hoping for a ten track album, with five songs performed twice each*: once electric, once acoustic.
(Image via http://www.explodingdog.com)
- Yesterday started alright but by the end of the workday my brain had pretty much drained its cache of optimism and positivity.
- I need something to look forward to between now and May 31st.
- This afternoon I’ll have my fourth therapy session. I suppose it’s going pretty well, though I don’t know how one is supposed to judge such a thing. I leave each session with a clearer mind and a mental list of items that I want to address with people, but I’m finding it difficult to actually cross any items off that list.
- I am searching for more things to write here, yet coming up empty. So, I guess this is all for now.
- I can pick up a guitar and give you a veritable endless stream of new riffs but
- I’ve never been much of a lyricist and
it’s been almost exactly 11 years since I last wrote a set of lyrics (May 19, 2001).
- As of last night, it’s time to reset that timer.
- It didn’t come easily and I don’t know if more will follow.
- But still, I’m happy to have that monkey off my back today.
It’s amazing to me that another week has passed, because there are multiple times each day when I become so entwined in my own thoughts that minutes feel like hours and I beg the earth to rotate more quickly.
Edited to add: After thinking about it for a few hours, I guess the above statement might come across as a bit melodramatic, but when I’m actually experiencing those moments it doesn’t seem that way at all.
I just deleted a bunch of bullet points about how I’m still feeling undeniably sad after only five days. Fuck that. There’s no need to spell it out in fine detail. I’m not well and I’m trying to manage my emotions as best I can.
The biggest risk that comes with asking difficult questions is getting difficult answers in return.
I probably shouldn’t have waited until bedtime to ask.
Now it’s 11:35pm and I’m left to lay here, to try to “sleep well” with a knot in my stomach and an ache in my chest.
- I really do not like feeling this unstable.
- I’m starting to think that I’m not very good at reading people.
- If I keep gnawing away at my thumbs at my current pace, they’ll be gone within a few days.
- 3 months removed from my tonsillectomy and I still haven’t regained any of the 20 pounds that I lost - not for a lack of trying.
- I’m spending a lot of time trying to figure out what my value is - to specific people and to the universe in general.
- I need more laughter in my life if only for the fact that it’s a good distraction, regardless of how temporary it may be.
- My calendar suggests I have a lot to look forward to in the next 3 months, but I’m having a difficult time convincing my brain to look past the next 30 seconds.
- I would say “I need a vacation!" but I’m definitely not in the mental state where I’d actually be capable of relaxing and enjoying it.
- I spent the majority of the past four years feeling bitter, disappointed, and pessimistic.
- I’ve spent all of the past two weeks feeling electrified, excited, and optimistic.
I recommend the latter option to all those who can find a way to make it work.
All I had to do was take a chance. Who knew?
I had a second date with a girl tonight.
I told her I don’t generally talk about such things here at steelopus.com, which is the first truth.
The other truth is that I like her a lot.