Stephen Lopez“Can you imagine 3 nose studs and a heavy cold? Whoa! Forget about it! You might sneeze and kill your friend!
“Ahchoo!”
“OOOAAAAHHHHHH! FUCKIN JOEY! MY EYE! MYYY EEEEYYYEEE!”
Now your friend has a pierced eye!
…To go along with your pierced nose.”
George Carlin - Earrings
For Mary. The nose ring part is especially pertinent.
Sorry about the video quality; it’s George Carlin so just fucking deal with it.
“Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?
There’s such balance in nature!”
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Download 74 plays
George Carlin - Sports (From Playing With Your Head)
My favorite 9 minutes of comedy. It’s a relentless barrage of hilarity. This man was so good, and his delivery was always absolutely perfect.
There are so many amazing one-liners that I constantly use:
“You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That’s it, one swing, fuck you, you’re out. Sit down.”
“Hockey is not a sport - hockey is three activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody.”
“What is a puck? I’ve never even heard of a puck outside of hockey. Have you ever heard of a puck? The only other place you find a puck is in the urinal to control the smell in the bathroom.”
“Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning!”
“Riding a bus isn’t a sport… whyyy the fuck should SAILING be a sport?”
“Lacrosse? Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a faggot college activity. That’s right: anytime you’re standing in a field with a stick with a net on the end of it, you’re engaged in a faggot college activity.”
“Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it.”
“I don’t know about you, but that’s what I’m looking for in auto racing: a nice crash and a car fire. I don’t care who wins these races - it’s the same five rednecks who win all the time anyway - who gives a shit about these people? I gotta be honest with you, driving 500 miles in a circle does not impress me.”
“In fact all raquet games are derrivatives of ping pong - even volleyball is raquetless-team-ping-pong-played-with-an-inflated-ball-and-a-raised-net-while-standing-on-the-table.”
“Did you ever watch golf on TV? It’s like watching flies fuck.”
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Download 80 plays
George Carlin - Angels
No one in history was able to cram so much funny into such a small space. This is 1:11 of comedic brilliance, and it’s only one tiny example of what he did consistently throughout his entire career.
We miss you George.
(This post is dedicated to @gordonshumway [twitter, tumblr] and @aedison [twitter, tumblr], two folk that consistently knock me out with teh funnies.)
