Seven 9s and 10s

globochem: welp Listen here, kiddo. There’s no easy way to break this to you so I’m just going to let you have it: you’re frighteningly ugly.  Now, I give you credit for your attempt to look as beautiful as me, but you have failed in the most dramatically miserable fashion that I have ever seen. Allow me to give you a few tips for future photography sessions - though, I have to be honest here, the first thought that crossed my mind as I started writing this was: “God help us if anyone is ever stupid enough to once again take pictures of this walking nightmare.” Next time you should try losing somewhere between 50 and 75 percent of your body weight before heading to the studio. Yes, I know this will be challenging for a hippopotamus/human hybrid like yourself (hippopotuman?), but it’ll be for your own good, and it’ll definitely be good for everyone else too. Grow some hair. It will really help the photographer to not have to worry about being blinded every time his flash bounces off your big shiny dome. It’s bad enough that your cheeks resemble an elaborate attempt to recreate Archimedes Heat Ray, but if you have any success with my first tip then you that won’t specifically be an issue anymore. So just concentrate real hard and clench your asshole and put some earplugs in and plug your nose and close your eyes and push with all your might. With any luck that will sprout some stems out of that mass of flesh that’s seemingly an extension of your ass cheeks. Now, again, this one will be very difficult unless you can lose some of that disgusting chub, but you really need to prop yourself up on your arms. I’ve been closely inspecting this photo and I think you actually have wrists, and I’m ready for the consequences if I’m wrong about that and you simply just have two of those novelty water snake toy things attached to your shoulders. By propping yourself up you’ll be demonstrating that you are strong (chicks dig strength) as well as elongating your torso and neck, which by the time you try this will hopefully be reduced to the Standard Human Model (#SHM-NECK-001) that includes only one chin (rather than the approximately 17 chins that I can discern in this photo). White is not your color. Seriously though, did you eat your quadruplet siblings in the womb, and have they managed to sew your mother’s vagina back together yet? If they need reinforcements tell them not to even bother with All The King’s Horses And All The King’s Men, because that crew has proven itself ineffective time and time again. In conclusion, let me wish you the best of luck. Just because you’re the most hideous creature that I’ve ever laid eyes on (and that’s saying a lot coming from me - hell, I’m the chairman of the World’s Ugliest Dog competition) doesn’t mean you can’t turn your life around. I’ll leave you with a copy of my award-winning photo. You should use it as inspiration to be all you can be. Godspeed,Steelopus

globochem:

welp

Listen here, kiddo.

There’s no easy way to break this to you so I’m just going to let you have it: you’re frighteningly ugly.  Now, I give you credit for your attempt to look as beautiful as me, but you have failed in the most dramatically miserable fashion that I have ever seen.

Allow me to give you a few tips for future photography sessions - though, I have to be honest here, the first thought that crossed my mind as I started writing this was: “God help us if anyone is ever stupid enough to once again take pictures of this walking nightmare.”

  1. Next time you should try losing somewhere between 50 and 75 percent of your body weight before heading to the studio. Yes, I know this will be challenging for a hippopotamus/human hybrid like yourself (hippopotuman?), but it’ll be for your own good, and it’ll definitely be good for everyone else too.
  2. Grow some hair. It will really help the photographer to not have to worry about being blinded every time his flash bounces off your big shiny dome. It’s bad enough that your cheeks resemble an elaborate attempt to recreate Archimedes Heat Ray, but if you have any success with my first tip then you that won’t specifically be an issue anymore. So just concentrate real hard and clench your asshole and put some earplugs in and plug your nose and close your eyes and push with all your might. With any luck that will sprout some stems out of that mass of flesh that’s seemingly an extension of your ass cheeks.
  3. Now, again, this one will be very difficult unless you can lose some of that disgusting chub, but you really need to prop yourself up on your arms. I’ve been closely inspecting this photo and I think you actually have wrists, and I’m ready for the consequences if I’m wrong about that and you simply just have two of those novelty water snake toy things attached to your shoulders. By propping yourself up you’ll be demonstrating that you are strong (chicks dig strength) as well as elongating your torso and neck, which by the time you try this will hopefully be reduced to the Standard Human Model (#SHM-NECK-001) that includes only one chin (rather than the approximately 17 chins that I can discern in this photo).
  4. White is not your color.
  5. Seriously though, did you eat your quadruplet siblings in the womb, and have they managed to sew your mother’s vagina back together yet? If they need reinforcements tell them not to even bother with All The King’s Horses And All The King’s Men, because that crew has proven itself ineffective time and time again.

In conclusion, let me wish you the best of luck. Just because you’re the most hideous creature that I’ve ever laid eyes on (and that’s saying a lot coming from me - hell, I’m the chairman of the World’s Ugliest Dog competition) doesn’t mean you can’t turn your life around. I’ll leave you with a copy of my award-winning photo. You should use it as inspiration to be all you can be.

Godspeed,
Steelopus

A nightmare

This morning I dreamed that someone went on vacation and decided to let me babysit their 10 year old daughter and 6 and 3 year old sons. Someone is an idiot.

I remember a car ride to Applebee’s. I remember sitting at Applebee’s and the 10 year old telling me she thought we should probably get home soon because Jack was probably getting himself into trouble there. Jack was the 3 year old. Apparently I just left him home alone. I don’t even know.

Anyway.

I woke up before everyone died, but I’m guessing that’s how it ended.

do you definitely never want to have kids? (from what i have read in your blog, it seems like you don't really ever want kids)

if it's too personal of a question, you don't have to answer if you don't want to...

also...i was going to post this anonymously, but i figured somehow you would figure out it was me anyway with your computery ways!! :)

Asked by Anonymous

… you still asked me anonymously, which is fine, but if you ever want to reveal yourself, feel free to ask again.

As for the question itself…

I definitely never want to have kids.  I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember.  Most people who are pro-children seem incapable of understanding why anyone would feel the way I (and countless others) do.  It’s an argument that I’ve seen go back and forth here on Tumblr many times before, and it’s not an argument that I shy away from.

The clearest I can sum it up is this: if you are someone who wants to have kids, then I assume it’s something inside you that drives that desire.  You “just know” that you want kids.  It’s not a decision that you’ve made so much as it’s an emotion, or a need.  It’s ingrained into your spirit and your soul.

And for me, it’s exactly the same, just in reverse.  This isn’t a decision that I’ve labored over; I haven’t sat in a field pondering a life with or without children.  I just know that I don’t want kids.  I just know that I don’t want to have that enormous responsibility.  I just know that I desire a life with the selfish-freedom to go anywhere and do anything at anytime.  I just know that I have other priorities in my life.

Surely a psychologist could sit me down and analyze me an say that my not wanting kids is an underlying fear of failure or it’s a selfish manifest of my ego or it’s a fear of commitment.  And most of that would probably be very true, but that in no way changes what I just know: that I don’t want to have kids.

Maybe my feelings will change in the future, but for now: I am who I am.  Take me or leave me.