monkeyfrog:

The UPS truck came up our lane. It had to go slowly, because we still don’t have gravel and there are a few muddy waterholes. 

Chuckie heard the tell tale engine sound and woke from a sound chair nap. He began barking and leapt into action, running from the living room to the back door like a fucking nut job as he is wont to do.

Chuck woke Duffy up, and Duff began the reflex second dog bark. He also jumped down and looked a little dazed while barking intermittently.

The Big Brown truck pulled up and backed in toward the garage so he could pull straight out to leave. They don’t usually do this, but whatever. 

By now Chuckie is flinging his body at the door and running back into the living room by turn, of course still barking his head off.

The delivery man had a huuuge box, maybe 4’x2’. He kind of walk/ran up onto the deck at which time Chuckie’s frenzy reached a whole new level. As he barked and flung himself against the back door,

A LONE POOP SHOT OUT OF HIS BUTT

and onto the kitchen floor. 

Duffy and I looked at each other. Duff was all like, “Uh oh. IT WASN’T ME.” 

Chuckie just kept flinging.

The end.

Perfect.

- A sequel about Mary… in her elder years.

tj:

aimee-b-loved:

beefranck:

robthebankeriii:

thejohnblog:

Eyes Wide Shut

The Blues Brothers

The Green Mile

How To Train Your Dragon.

(your turn)

The Big Lebowski
Scream
Like Water for Chocolate

I WAS GONNA SAY SCREAM TOO!!!! 

*sibling high five*

Children of the Corn.

Honey I Shrunk The Kids

(BTW I think “Children of the Corn” wins)

Pi

People with good eyesight: you will never experience the indescribable terror of bending over to pull up your pants in the bathroom and then suddenly feeling your glasses sliding off your head.

People with bad eyesight who wear glasses with straight temples that don’t curve down behind the ears are probably the same kind of people who like to go BASE jumping and eat deep-fried insects and step on all of the sidewalk cracks.

btothed:

I will never not find a pooping dog funny.

Pooping dogs always have that look. That look of knowing. Knowing that what they’re doing looks awkward. And frustrated that while we get to go barricade ourselves in a room somewhere while we vacate our bowels, dogs instead are paraded around in the open and forced to do their business in front of a public’s very watchful eye.

I’ve never not seen that look in their eyes.

The rumpled eyebrows that are equal parts grunting-induced and “really? You’re just gonna stand and choose this very moment to lock eyes with me?”

A pooping dog looks like a muscle-headed body builder in the middle of a flex during a competition, hunched over and contorted in an unnatural pose while grunting.

Like baseball players, pooping dogs have difference stances.

Some will just stand in the batters box, get it done, and walk away trying to forget what they just were relegated to doing. Others do what I like to call Shit Walker, Texas Ranger [for those of you who are Chuck Norris fans]. These dogs look like they’re done going, but then begin walking around the lawn and finishing their business still half-humped over and half-walking. Then, of course, you have the dogs that finish going and let you know they are done - by doing their impression of a bull. They finish, move forward a step or two, and then violently kick their back feet a few times to kick up grass partially to cover their dookie, but mostly, to show their owners who is boss.

Eight or eighty years old, it won’t matter.

I’ll still laugh at a pooping dog.

Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you how often I talk about dogs pooping. Bruce hit the bullseye with this post.

The look in their eyes, man.

The. Look. In. Their. Eyes.