• Yesterday started alright but by the end of the workday my brain had pretty much drained its cache of optimism and positivity.
• I need something to look forward to between now and May 31st.
• This afternoon I’ll have my fourth therapy session. I suppose it’s going pretty well, though I don’t know how one is supposed to judge such a thing. I leave each session with a clearer mind and a mental list of items that I want to address with people, but I’m finding it difficult to actually cross any items off that list.
• I am searching for more things to write here, yet coming up empty. So, I guess this is all for now.

It’s amazing to me that another week has passed, because there are multiple times each day when I become so entwined in my own thoughts that minutes feel like hours and I beg the earth to rotate more quickly.
 

Edited to add: After thinking about it for a few hours, I guess the above statement might come across as a bit melodramatic, but when I’m actually experiencing those moments it doesn’t seem that way at all.

I just deleted a bunch of bullet points about how I’m still feeling undeniably sad after only five days. Fuck that. There’s no need to spell it out in fine detail. I’m not well and I’m trying to manage my emotions as best I can.

The end of any relationship brings waves of memories from all over the emotional spectrum. I’m going to try my hardest to let the negative ones leave as quickly as they arrive and let the positive ones linger long enough to sustain my self-confidence.

I did all the right things. I stepped far outside my comfort zone. I took a chance and dove in head first. The water was the perfect temperature but I had no way of knowing what rested beneath the surface nor the number of lions that drank from its shore.

The biggest risk that comes with asking difficult questions is getting difficult answers in return.

I probably shouldn’t have waited until bedtime to ask.

Now it’s 11:35pm and I’m left to lay here, to try to “sleep well” with a knot in my stomach and an ache in my chest.

• I really do not like feeling this unstable.
• I’m starting to think that I’m not very good at reading people.
• If I keep gnawing away at my thumbs at my current pace, they’ll be gone within a few days.
• 3 months removed from my tonsillectomy and I still haven’t regained any of the 20 pounds that I lost - not for a lack of trying.
• I’m spending a lot of time trying to figure out what my value is - to specific people and to the universe in general.
• I need more laughter in my life if only for the fact that it’s a good distraction, regardless of how temporary it may be.
• My calendar suggests I have a lot to look forward to in the next 3 months, but I’m having a difficult time convincing my brain to look past the next 30 seconds.
• I would say “I need a vacation!” but I’m definitely not in the mental state where I’d actually be capable of relaxing and enjoying it.

• I am really struggling lately, emotionally.
• A lot of the people I care about are also having a difficult time.
• Not being able to make them feel better only adds to my sadness.
• Sometimes I just need a shoulder to cry on and a chance to clear my mind to a sympathetic ear.
• I don’t enjoy burdening my friends with my own inability to cope with the voices in my head, and so…
• For the first time in my life I am seriously considering seeing a therapist.
• Maybe it will be good. Maybe it will be bad. We’ll see.

• I spent the majority of the past four years feeling bitter, disappointed, and pessimistic.
• I’ve spent all of the past two weeks feeling electrified, excited, and optimistic.

I recommend the latter option to all those who can find a way to make it work.

All I had to do was take a chance. Who knew?

I had a second date with a girl tonight.

I told her I don’t generally talk about such things here at steelopus.com, which is the first truth.

The other truth is that I like her a lot.

Sorta like…

where you spend five minutes reading an entire OKCupid profile before looking at the girl’s “Details” section and then you finally do and you see this:

• I develop crushes too easily.
• I like to think that, overall, I’m a decent dude; I’m not sure why I’m still single.
• My reasons for staying single are well justified and painfully real.
• My consistent portrayal of a doormat is nothing short of Oscar worthy.
• Relationships are too often over-complicated by silly games and power struggles.
• Call me a pessimist, but I don’t personally believe that trust can ever be rebuilt or restored.
• Two people that lack confidence will rarely make each other happy.
• One confident person and one unconfident person will rarely make each other happy.
• Two confident people will maybe make each other happy.
• Any confidence I once had was systematically destroyed via three consecutive relationships between the ages of 18 and 27.