George Carlin - Sports (From Playing With Your Head)

My favorite 9 minutes of comedy.  It’s a relentless barrage of hilarity.  This man was so good, and his delivery was always absolutely perfect.

There are so many amazing one-liners that I constantly use:

“You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing.  That’s it, one swing, fuck you, you’re out. Sit down.”

“Hockey is not a sport - hockey is three activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody.”

“What is a puck? I’ve never even heard of a puck outside of hockey. Have you ever heard of a puck? The only other place you find a puck is in the urinal to control the smell in the bathroom.”

“Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning!”

“Riding a bus isn’t a sport… whyyy the fuck should SAILING be a sport?”

“Lacrosse? Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a faggot college activity. That’s right: anytime you’re standing in a field with a stick with a net on the end of it, you’re engaged in a faggot college activity.”

“Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it.”

“I don’t know about you, but that’s what I’m looking for in auto racing: a nice crash and a car fire.  I don’t care who wins these races - it’s the same five rednecks who win all the time anyway - who gives a shit about these people? I gotta be honest with you, driving 500 miles in a circle does not impress me.”

“In fact all raquet games are derrivatives of ping pong - even volleyball is raquetless-team-ping-pong-played-with-an-inflated-ball-and-a-raised-net-while-standing-on-the-table.”

“Did you ever watch golf on TV? It’s like watching flies fuck.”