I stopped in to say hello to my mom on my way home from work today. She gave me a bag full of old photos of me. One of them was an 11x17 copy of the greatest photo ever taken in the history of photography, ever.
That pretty much made my day.
Only in dreams
THAT IS ALL.
I wasn’t actually on a stage, so I guess I didn’t break my “no shorts on stage” rule.
Happy birthday, Guille. It was great to see you again last weekend and I look forward to a future where it won’t be such a rare occasion.
What in hell are you waiting for? Your ears will be pissed at your procrastination.
My name is steelopus and I approve of this message.
Victory! can be purchased at FMGreen.bandcamp.com for only $8 (download) or $12 (Limited Edition CD).
Listen here, kiddo.
There’s no easy way to break this to you so I’m just going to let you have it: you’re frighteningly ugly. Now, I give you credit for your attempt to look as beautiful as me, but you have failed in the most dramatically miserable fashion that I have ever seen.
Allow me to give you a few tips for future photography sessions - though, I have to be honest here, the first thought that crossed my mind as I started writing this was: “God help us if anyone is ever stupid enough to once again take pictures of this walking nightmare.”
- Next time you should try losing somewhere between 50 and 75 percent of your body weight before heading to the studio. Yes, I know this will be challenging for a hippopotamus/human hybrid like yourself (hippopotuman?), but it’ll be for your own good, and it’ll definitely be good for everyone else too.
- Grow some hair. It will really help the photographer to not have to worry about being blinded every time his flash bounces off your big shiny dome. It’s bad enough that your cheeks resemble an elaborate attempt to recreate Archimedes Heat Ray, but if you have any success with my first tip then you that won’t specifically be an issue anymore. So just concentrate real hard and clench your asshole and put some earplugs in and plug your nose and close your eyes and push with all your might. With any luck that will sprout some stems out of that mass of flesh that’s seemingly an extension of your ass cheeks.
- Now, again, this one will be very difficult unless you can lose some of that disgusting chub, but you really need to prop yourself up on your arms. I’ve been closely inspecting this photo and I think you actually have wrists, and I’m ready for the consequences if I’m wrong about that and you simply just have two of those novelty water snake toy things attached to your shoulders. By propping yourself up you’ll be demonstrating that you are strong (chicks dig strength) as well as elongating your torso and neck, which by the time you try this will hopefully be reduced to the Standard Human Model (#SHM-NECK-001) that includes only one chin (rather than the approximately 17 chins that I can discern in this photo).
- White is not your color.
- Seriously though, did you eat your quadruplet siblings in the womb, and have they managed to sew your mother’s vagina back together yet? If they need reinforcements tell them not to even bother with All The King’s Horses And All The King’s Men, because that crew has proven itself ineffective time and time again.
In conclusion, let me wish you the best of luck. Just because you’re the most hideous creature that I’ve ever laid eyes on (and that’s saying a lot coming from me - hell, I’m the chairman of the World’s Ugliest Dog competition) doesn’t mean you can’t turn your life around. I’ll leave you with a copy of my award-winning photo. You should use it as inspiration to be all you can be.
Canadian Harvards performing in formation over Geneseo, NY on July 10, 2010 during the annual Historical Aircraft Group airshow.
Practice rooms at the Eastman School of Music
November 23, 1979 - 65 days old
There’s a very sad story about that blanket on which I was playing. Maybe one day I’ll be able to type through the tears to tell it to you.
Is this a contest?
October 1994. I went on stage. Dressed like this. In front of an auditorium full of classmates. For a talent show. And I played The Star Spangled Banner. Hendrix style.
I was 14.
Winner winner chicken dinner?