• Yesterday started alright but by the end of the workday my brain had pretty much drained its cache of optimism and positivity.
• I need something to look forward to between now and May 31st.
• This afternoon I’ll have my fourth therapy session. I suppose it’s going pretty well, though I don’t know how one is supposed to judge such a thing. I leave each session with a clearer mind and a mental list of items that I want to address with people, but I’m finding it difficult to actually cross any items off that list.
• I am searching for more things to write here, yet coming up empty. So, I guess this is all for now.

• I can pick up a guitar and give you a veritable endless stream of new riffs but
• I’ve never been much of a lyricist and
• it’s been almost exactly 11 years since I last wrote a set of lyrics (May 19, 2001).
• As of last night, it’s time to reset that timer.
• It didn’t come easily and I don’t know if more will follow.
• But still, I’m happy to have that monkey off my back today.

It’s amazing to me that another week has passed, because there are multiple times each day when I become so entwined in my own thoughts that minutes feel like hours and I beg the earth to rotate more quickly.
 

Edited to add: After thinking about it for a few hours, I guess the above statement might come across as a bit melodramatic, but when I’m actually experiencing those moments it doesn’t seem that way at all.

I just deleted a bunch of bullet points about how I’m still feeling undeniably sad after only five days. Fuck that. There’s no need to spell it out in fine detail. I’m not well and I’m trying to manage my emotions as best I can.

The biggest risk that comes with asking difficult questions is getting difficult answers in return.

I probably shouldn’t have waited until bedtime to ask.

Now it’s 11:35pm and I’m left to lay here, to try to “sleep well” with a knot in my stomach and an ache in my chest.

• I really do not like feeling this unstable.
• I’m starting to think that I’m not very good at reading people.
• If I keep gnawing away at my thumbs at my current pace, they’ll be gone within a few days.
• 3 months removed from my tonsillectomy and I still haven’t regained any of the 20 pounds that I lost - not for a lack of trying.
• I’m spending a lot of time trying to figure out what my value is - to specific people and to the universe in general.
• I need more laughter in my life if only for the fact that it’s a good distraction, regardless of how temporary it may be.
• My calendar suggests I have a lot to look forward to in the next 3 months, but I’m having a difficult time convincing my brain to look past the next 30 seconds.
• I would say “I need a vacation!” but I’m definitely not in the mental state where I’d actually be capable of relaxing and enjoying it.

• I am really struggling lately, emotionally.
• A lot of the people I care about are also having a difficult time.
• Not being able to make them feel better only adds to my sadness.
• Sometimes I just need a shoulder to cry on and a chance to clear my mind to a sympathetic ear.
• I don’t enjoy burdening my friends with my own inability to cope with the voices in my head, and so…
• For the first time in my life I am seriously considering seeing a therapist.
• Maybe it will be good. Maybe it will be bad. We’ll see.

It’s complicated.

I don’t particularly like the flavor of butter.

I mean, it’s fine if used as an ingredient in cooking, but I’d rather you didn’t spread it on my toast, thanks.

I promise you that within 24 hours of saying (or even thinking) “I can’t remember the last time I saw a spider in my house…” you will see one.

I think that’s proof that there is a god, and that god is a spider, and if heaven is ruled by a spider then dear god I can’t even comprehend the terrifying figure that must rule hell.

People with good eyesight: you will never experience the indescribable terror of bending over to pull up your pants in the bathroom and then suddenly feeling your glasses sliding off your head.

People with bad eyesight who wear glasses with straight temples that don’t curve down behind the ears are probably the same kind of people who like to go BASE jumping and eat deep-fried insects and step on all of the sidewalk cracks.

Each day since Friday I’ve felt increasingly miserable.

It’s taking all my energy to remain positive.

I don’t regret having the surgery.

…with 30 seconds to spare.

• I don’t like when people I care about are put in uncomfortable, lose-lose situations.

• I spent the majority of the past four years feeling bitter, disappointed, and pessimistic.
• I’ve spent all of the past two weeks feeling electrified, excited, and optimistic.

I recommend the latter option to all those who can find a way to make it work.

All I had to do was take a chance. Who knew?