Dude. Life…man; this shit ain’t easy.

I hate small talk. I truly and deeply hate it.

Just because you’re a stranger who is standing next to me at a concert or sitting next to me at a wedding or waiting behind me in line at Chipotle doesn’t mean you have to talk to me. Why can’t you be content by just being quiet?

My problem is that I feel like an absolute jerk when I ignore people or don’t engage in their attempts at conversation. So, I’ve started to assemble a list of ridiculous lies that I can drop when strangers try to strike up a conversation.

• You know the roller coaster animation that plays before movies at Regal Cinemas? Yeah, the one with the theater rules and the concessions and the planets. I made that.
• I operate a skydiving business that specializes in letting people jump with their pets. They can either jump with Fifi strapped to their chest, or for an extra fee they can give Fifi a little custom parachute that is deployed via a remote control trigger*.
• *This option requires signing an extra waiver.
• My grandfather was one of the men involved with stringing up Mussolini for public display following his execution.
• I volunteer at the local planetarium where I spend time cleaning each of the 8,900+ tiny holes inside Carl (the star projector) using lens cleaner and specially designed ionic Q-tips. When I started they were using OxyClean®, but I convinced them to stop that because, duh, there’s no oxygen in space.
• I’ve traveled to 17 countries in Africa but I’ve never been to Canada.
• My mom designed the patterns of some of the most popular fabrics used for covering the seats of chartered busses.
• Grasshoppers have been known to travel thousands of miles across water.
• During the winter of 1999 I was employed by a local municipality to walk around all day knocking icicles off of the street lights using a large telescoping wand. They required me to wear a helmet so I had one designed that was an exact replica of the one worn by Iceman in Top Gun.

I think that’s a good start.

I need to reconnect with old friends as well as try to make some new ones.

Song #3: Complete.

Three down. Two to go.

I had my eighth therapy session yesterday. I left without scheduling another. I’m not sure it has helped me much. One of my primary goals certainly didn’t see any progress, though I really don’t blame myself, because I’ve lived most of 2012 in an environment in which that goal was put to the test on an almost a daily basis.

Maybe this therapist just isn’t the right fit for me. Maybe I’m too stubborn to make the changes that are necessary for progress and growth. Maybe change is happening and I just can’t see it yet. All I know for sure is that there are still several times each day when I think about the choices I’ve made in the past few months and I question almost all of them.

What do I want? What do I need? Are they the same thing? Can they be?

• My sister visited a psychic last week and the first thing she was told was that her younger brother (me) was a “wild man” and that the girls were all crazy for him to the point that he was having to fight them off and well I guess that makes it pretty clear that my sister just paid a crazy lady to tell her a load of absolute bullshit.
• Currently: mornings are painful; days fluctuate; evenings are lonely.
• It took about eleven weeks, but I’ve successfully written lyrics to another song. (That’s better than eleven years.)
• My goal is to write three more songs before the end of the year, record them in the winter, and release them in 2013. I’m hoping for a ten track album, with five songs performed twice each*: once electric, once acoustic.

(Image via http://www.explodingdog.com)

• Every day lately is still somewhat of a struggle. I like to think I’m getting better, but then a thought will cross my mind that makes me think otherwise.
• I’m going to WBER in a few minutes for a Jukebox Jury in which myself and 11 other listeners will rate 10 songs on a scale of 1-10. The winning song enters rotation. I’ve done this many times before and it’s always fun… and I always do my part by not being afraid to throw out 1s and 3s just to balance out all the people who have terrible taste in music.
• Karamel Sutra is by far the best Ben & Jerry’s flavor. I will entertain no arguments.
• That reminds me… I forgot to eat dinner tonight.
• Hooray for stress.
• I bought a new used car and will be picking it up on Thursday.
• I seriously love so many of you people and really wish you lived nearer.

For a number of reasons, I generally don’t like New York City.

Over the weekend I learned that the only thing that can make me enjoy New York City is being able to spend my time there with someone who I really enjoy spending time with.

The ability to focus on one person provides a perfect distraction from the ever-present crowds, the constant noise, the permeating smells, the inability to walk at a steady pace, and all of the other things that bother me about that place.

dig-the-cat:

• The more barriers you put up to people, the more likely you are to filter out people who respect boundaries and be left with those who don’t.

DG posted that statement a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me ever since. I think about it often.

• Yesterday started alright but by the end of the workday my brain had pretty much drained its cache of optimism and positivity.
• I need something to look forward to between now and May 31st.
• This afternoon I’ll have my fourth therapy session. I suppose it’s going pretty well, though I don’t know how one is supposed to judge such a thing. I leave each session with a clearer mind and a mental list of items that I want to address with people, but I’m finding it difficult to actually cross any items off that list.
• I am searching for more things to write here, yet coming up empty. So, I guess this is all for now.

• I can pick up a guitar and give you a veritable endless stream of new riffs but
• I’ve never been much of a lyricist and
• it’s been almost exactly 11 years since I last wrote a set of lyrics (May 19, 2001).
• As of last night, it’s time to reset that timer.
• It didn’t come easily and I don’t know if more will follow.
• But still, I’m happy to have that monkey off my back today.

It’s amazing to me that another week has passed, because there are multiple times each day when I become so entwined in my own thoughts that minutes feel like hours and I beg the earth to rotate more quickly.
 

Edited to add: After thinking about it for a few hours, I guess the above statement might come across as a bit melodramatic, but when I’m actually experiencing those moments it doesn’t seem that way at all.

I just deleted a bunch of bullet points about how I’m still feeling undeniably sad after only five days. Fuck that. There’s no need to spell it out in fine detail. I’m not well and I’m trying to manage my emotions as best I can.

The biggest risk that comes with asking difficult questions is getting difficult answers in return.

I probably shouldn’t have waited until bedtime to ask.

Now it’s 11:35pm and I’m left to lay here, to try to “sleep well” with a knot in my stomach and an ache in my chest.