I hope to see a bunch of you in Toronto on the weekend of June 15th!

Details about the event are being posted over at torontup.tumblr.com/.

Excuse me while I just dump my thoughts out into the ether. I need to clear my head.

So, when I first heard the news I was all “Yes. I’m going. No matter what it takes or how much it costs. I’m going.”

Then I left the house and spent a few hours outside, and reality set in.  Here I am, trying to buy my first house, yet today alone I’ve vowed to blow at least $1000 on travel - between the San Francisco and (proposed) DC tweetups, and a few east coast David Bazan concerts in a few different cities.

The rational part of my brain is telling me I’m stupid for considering all of this.  That money could be much better used in a down payment, or for some furniture, or anything else related to what I’ve been saving for for years.

But then I start to analyze my analysis and I think “No. That’s your social anxiety trying to talk you out of these trips - trying to scare you away from meeting people that you love. You can afford this and you could really use some time off from work.”

And so, I go back and forth - the two sides of my brain engaged in a civil war, each side convinced it has the right answer, but unable to convince the other.

What the hell. I don’t know what I’m going to do.  If I go to SF, I don’t see the point in just visiting for a weekend - it’s not the kind of place you can get to know in a weekend - but I definitely can’t afford to waste a mortgage payment on a hotel for a week in SF.

I do know that I’m not going to commit to anything until I’m confident I’m making the right decision.

but I’m OK with it because I got to spend time this afternoon with two beautiful girls and one cool little 3 year old.  The world is a better place with them around.

Goodnight all.

inthefade:

[…] But I have this crippling social anxiety. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like crowded places. I don’t like social gatherings or parties and I especially do not like when I have to meet a roomful of people for the first time. The thought of it frightens me. Terrifies me, even.

[…] If it was two or three people in a quiet place, I could do that. But that wouldn’t be much of a tweetup, would it?

[…] But alas, I don’t drink. So I have no alcohol buffer to put between me and my anxieties.

I wish it was different. I wish I could enjoy a good party. I wish I could attend every tweetup that happens. I know I can’t. […]

I’ve hinted at this before (Seven Things #5), but Michelle has perfectly described how I feel about these situations.

If you want to see the best of me, then you’ll want to see me in a group of 5, 6 at the most, in a relatively quiet place where conversation can happen without everyone having to shout.  If you want to see me uncomfortable, stumbling, stuttering, slurring, and mumbling, then get me into a large group in a loud bar where everyone is drinking and I’m holding a plastic cup full of watered-down Coke while struggling to hear what you’re saying to me and struggling to speak loud enough for you to hear me.

I love you people too much to ruin my first in-person impressions of you by meeting all of you at once in an uncomfortable environment.

(I chopped the hell out of her original post, please click through to read it in its entirety.)